Parenting is synonymous with loving, caring, nurturing, teaching/guiding/mentoring your kids, and, quite often, disciplining. Where exactly one ends, and the other follows is not clearly defined. Often, they intersect!
As kids, we are emotionally reliant on our parents but as we grow older, get married, have kids and assume the responsibilities of a parent, we automatically switch gears and go at breakneck speed towards what we perceive to be the reason of our existence - our role as parents.
After being a mother for almost 20 years of my life, I feel that I can look over my shoulder at the years gone by and analyze it somewhat dispassionately. For a change, I will focus only on the parenting lessons that I've learned unconsciously over the years by being a mother.
1. Selfless love-
Selflessness, thy name is Motherhood. The moment that little bundle is placed in your arms, you learn to love unconditionally, completely, and that process is so organic. It is not forced or brought upon; it just happens naturally. Your child's smile lifts up your spirits, his slightest discomfort causes you pain, and you devote yourself one hundred percent to be a good parent. Other relationships become secondary, other emotions take a backseat.
2. Lifelong commitment-
Parenting is not a stopgap arrangement. Once you have a child, your life revolves around him 24/7, 365 days until they are an adult. After that, it is hoping that you have raised them well and being peripherally involved in their lives. As adults, we must give them breathing space so they can live their lives without us, parents, trying to control their lives. Having kids taught me what it means to be completely committed to another person and standing by him/her through thick or thin.
3. Being a good person myself-
You can teach and preach as much as you can but ultimately a kid follows what he sees and hears at home. I tried following all the moral science lessons (telling the truth, respecting elders, not wasting food, just being thankful and appreciative in life, etc.) that I was busy drilling in my kids. He had to see me following the dictums, for him to believe in its veracity and strength. So, by default, I became a much better person.
4. Value of Money-
That's one lesson I definitely learned after having my babies. The extravagant splurges and indulgences gave way to planned spendings and diligent savings. From saving for their necessities to their comforts, for their health and education, we learned how irresponsible our lifestyle was before. Now no expense was indispensable nor any saving too much. Want v. need was a very valuable lesson learned.
5. Enjoying the simple joys of life-
Reading a book, buying a dress, watching movies, going on a vacation, all the stuff which gave an adrenalin high were pushed behind in the ladder of happiness. The top spot was clinched by that toothless smile of my newborn. His gurgles, his sweet indecipherable sounds, his cuddly little body, all gave an unimaginable sense of fulfillment. Watching him crawl, learn to speak, and discovering the walk of life, took me to the mountain of happiness. Family bonding took top priority. Whoever said ‘the best joys in life are free’ knew what he was talking about.
6. Respecting the people in my life-
-my husband, elders, family members, neighbours, house-help etc.
Bringing up a child is never an individual effort; it takes a village. Right from cementing my ties with my hubby to appreciating the support system in my life, parenting made me re-evaluate the relationships in my life. I remain thankful to all those who helped me in bringing up my children. Without them, I would have been lost and floundered.
7. Reliving my childhood-
Seeing your little replicas with facial resemblances, behaviour, quirks is an indescribable joy. That dimple, that hair, that birthmark etc. etc. all bring alive your childhood in a tangible way. The nostalgic inputs from your parents create a warm fuzzy feeling about the cherished childhood memories and you get to relive those precious times.
8. Understanding & Appreciating my own parents--
You only realise what your parents went through once you have your own child! From our self-obsessed teenage tantrums to the difficult young adult phase, we don’t stop to think how much we are hurting our parents. Our own journey as parents make us appreciate all that our parents did for us. We start valuing their role and their 'interference' becomes more acceptable as does their sound, sage advices.
9. Every child is unique-
Mr. Sharma's son scoring 99% in class 10th, to Mr. Gupta's daughter becoming a junior chess champion, to Mr XYZ's child excelling in one or the thing, we parents envy the achievements of other kids and secretly want our kids to ace it. We love to gloat and we love to show off. Such uncalled-for comparisons cause immense heartaches to kids who feel inadequate and unloved by their parents.
Even comparing siblings by pitting them against each other unwittingly can cause self-esteem issues. I consciously try not to ever do this.
I learned to value my children for the individuals that they are, and I find them no lesser or any greater than others of their age.
10. I don't own my kids-
Last but not the least, I learned from my teenage son that he has a mind of his own. He has his own likings, preferences, ambitions and thought-processes. Our kids are not us. They have a right to their life.
We can guide them, counsel them and if going astray we can pull them up but, on an average day, and all other conditions being normal, we can't live their lives for them. They should be given independence of thoughts and actions to make informed choices and be given wings to fly wherever their capabilities take them. Bottom line is that I don't own them. I never will. I never did. No parent ever did.
So, with all the lessons learned gradually as a parent - some reluctantly, I must confess - I find parenting to be the most wholesome, rewarding, taxing yet exhilarating experience of my life. The best part of it is that it's on-going and dynamic.
