Every Indian girl gets acquainted with the word 'Sasural'(marital home) quite early in her life. It is after all the place she's supposed to go and live after her marriage and which will be her 'real home'.The presumption being that her parents'place is simply a temporary abode for her till the time they find her a suitable boy of a decent family. This is a stark reality of the Indian society. No matter how educated or liberated a family is, settling the daughter of the family into another house is the biggest concern for them and they are willing to spend a major chunk of their resources for this noble cause!
Learning to cook, to knit, sew, and honing of other household skills are made mandatory for girls from a young age, with a long sighted mission of impressing the sasural walas. Behave like a lady, dress appropriately etc are the other rules and dictums guiding the girls with the sole aim of fitting them into a 'sasural' well enough and gaining acceptance. Most of the girls fall in line because it is supposed to be the done thing. Apart from the primary focus on education and recently on professional degrees, girls have to be good 'housewife material' to lead a happy life after marriage.
Now why is that sasural such a dreaded word? Why is that the majority of girls wish to marry guys living away from family due to their jobs? Why are nuclear families so much in vogue and why is living in sasural such an ordeal for most of the girls? Is it selfishness, individual preference, aversion to adjust with another family, or pervert indoctrination which instils fear of 'the unknown' in an impressionable mind since childhood? These are pertinent queries which need to be analysed to get to the crux of the complicated dynamics between a girl and her sasural.
The ogre in the sasural is ofcourse the mother-in-law, the woman whose son you marry. Invariably Indian mothers are excessively possessive about their sons. They are excited about the new member of their family but also apprehensive about her. They fix up their guards and armour themselves with verbal weopanry and sarcasm if needed, in their dealings with their daughters in law. The mother-in-law too has been told all her life that when the son gets a wife, he becomes 'paraya', a feeling which is an anathema to her. Thus starts her internal duel of accepting and appreciating her daughter-in-law while simultaneously keeping her on a tight leash to maintain her superiority. This tussle often creates a battlefield in the house with the men being poor casualties in the cross fire between the two women.
Every household talks about treating their daughter-in-law as their own daughter but that is seldom the case. No sooner than you enter The Sasural, that your life ceases to be your own. Apart from the mother-in-law, there are other family members too who have unrealistic expectations from you. But with tact and patience, they can be won over a period of time. The husband's siblings can become your friends and the fathers-in-law often indulge their bahus. But they are of fringe importance when the major driving force in an Indian setup is the mother-in-law, pleasing whom is a herculean task.
What is really ironical and tragic in Indian society and for girls living in the designated home after marriage called 'sasural' is that they are never given their just desserts.
They spend years and years, trying to find their moorings and space in life, to settle and 'own up' a place physically, emotionally and psychologically. But like many unlucky women of their ilk , they remain destined to play second fiddle to ' the rajmata' of the household. They perform duties and are expected to do them well but dare not challenge the supremacy of the family matriarch. Any effort to change the status-quo is resisted and trumpled. Some women surrender their soul at the devil's doorstep but some develop a spine and a voice and try to get their feet up in a constricted space.
Women marrying into joint families or where mothers-in-law occupy a sacrosanct place, suffer from major identity crisis. Even the tag of 'housewife' is compromised for them and they can't take pride in it because the title of 'lady of the house' is in the battleground. They are merely glorified housekeepers; raise children, keep the house in order, neat and clean, provide warm meals to all, entertain stream of guests and most importantly, never ever complain.
The major reason for such a stressful equation between the two most important women in a man's life is because the 'change of guard' seldom takes place. The passing of the baton to the next generation is deterred as the older generation is fraught with insecurities and complexities. The tug-of-war continues for many years, sometimes lifetime making none the wiser. The emotionally battered clan of daughters-in-law seek their chance of redemption and ease out their bitterness when they marry their sons and acquire a daughter-in-law. Unconsciously and unfortunately, they tread the same path and thus the vicious 'saas-bahu' cycle continues.
Lately though, there has been a didactic change in the way girls perceive sasural or life after marriage. Armed with women's lib talks and exposure to the world wide change in the status of women (especially since most of them are now professionally qualified) has led them find a firmer footing in the manner marriages are being conducted. Financial independence has helped them find a voice and courage to speak up when needed. Infact sometimes even when not needed!
Sincerely hoping for the times when the sasural ceases to be a dreaded cauldron, lit up to burn a woman's identity and intrinsic worth as a sensible and sensitive person. Waiting patiently by the side for the times when a mutually respectful relationship develops between 'the destination home' and its new member.
